Finally

It’s hard to believe I’m actually sitting down to write this. Everything that’s happened and everything I’ve been through over the past 4 years hasn’t really sunk in.

I can’t believe I haven’t written since 28 weeks pregnant, I’d planned to write much more regularly but somehow life just got in the way.  The end part of my pregnancy was pretty straightforward and I was able to enjoy it.  The last few weeks at work were hard, I was doing a different job to my usual most of the time which involved walking all over the hospital but at least it kept me fit and active, I kept telling myself ‘being fit will make the labour easier.’  I was lucky that I was able to finish work at 32 weeks as I had lots of holiday to take in addition to my maternity leave.  Looking back now I’m not really sure where those weeks went, they seemed to fly by while I tried to get the house ready for bub’s arrival.  People kept telling me I’d be bored but that definitely wasn’t a problem for me.  I think with Christmas to look forward to and prepare for as well there wasn’t time to be bored and we had lots to do around the house.

By the time it got to Christmas I was starting to suspect that bubs might make an early appearance, I can’t say why exactly, I was just getting the odd twinge, I felt massive and somehow just felt like she was nearly ready.  Of course having never had a baby before I didn’t know whether I was just imagining this!  I carried on having scans every 4 weeks and then every 2 weeks as the growth slowed up a little bit.  The 38 week scan was on 30^th December and although the growth was normal my fluid levels had dropped leading them to suspect my waters could be leaking so they booked me in for an induction on 2^nd January.  I really didn’t want to be induced and I could have chosen to turn it down and wait but when a Dr is there telling you this is the least risky thing for your baby it’s a pretty straightforward decision.  It was a complete shock to suddenly think I’d have my baby in just a few days and it began a mad rush for Matt and I to get things ready, taking down Christmas decorations, having a final clean and tidy, repacking the hospital bags as we might be in hospital a lot longer for a lengthy induction.  As it happens however bub had different ideas;  my waters starting leaking just a little bit on 31^st, this was confirmed at the hospital with a swab so they moved my induction forward to the 1^st Jan as there’s an infection risk if you wait too long after your waters have broken, now we had even less time to get organised!

After we got back from the hospital the afternoon of the 31^st was spent mostly with Matt trying to get organised and by me trying to get some rest in preparation for the next few days, we got the dog picked up, Matt cleaned the car, he brought things for a big breakfast the next day to fuel me up for the labour. We then had a big meal, chicken pie and mash followed by cherry pie and custard (double pie – one of my favourite meals!), I managed to eat all of this, stood up and something went pop…

My first contraction was really strong but it took a few before I was convinced I was definitely in labour.  Matt was very concerned that I hadn’t yet got round to cutting his hair which I’d been planning to do that evening and he didn’t want to look scruffy for all the photos so I spent the first 20 minutes of my labour cutting his hair between contractions which was an interesting experience, I don’t think it looks too wonky on any of the photos though!  We had listened to all the advice about staying at home during early labour, running a bath, putting on some relaxing music etc so Matt ran a  bath for me and got some music on, within 10 minutes of being in the bath I’d crawled out onto the landing, I needed to go to the hospital, my contractions were about 4 in 10 minutes and really intense! I just couldn’t believe how quickly it had progressed, it had only been about 1 hour since the start of the labour. We made it to the hospital with me ending up on all fours in the delivery suite reception.  I won’t give you a blow by blow account of the labour as it would take a long time, in summary; it started fast, I was 5cm dilated when I arrived and hopeful of a quick labour however 10 hours later I’d finally made it to 9 1/2cm but unfortunately the baby was in the wrong position so part of my cervix had not dilated or thinned properly meaning I had a massive urge to push but had to try not to as the baby wasn’t ready.  Trying to resist the need to push when your whole body is overwhelming you to push is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.  I was at the point of asking for an epidural when the midwife advised just that, staying still to get the epidural in took every bit of strength and willpower I had!   It took another 8 hrs of syntosin drip to progress the labour for bubs finally to be ready to arrive.  Unfortunately she was still in the wrong position despite me being fully dilated so the decision was made that I needed to go to theatre for a ‘trial of forceps’ delivery but be ready to have a caesarean if needed.  

We’d already been told I may need this so it wasn’t a surprise and Matt had the camera and my music ready to go.  He got changed into scrubs and we were wheeled over there. The theatre staff were absolutely amazing, they explained everything really well, were really friendly and made me feel very at ease.  On the way over to theatre I felt the baby give a really big movement meaning that when I got there and they examined me again she was actually in the right position!  They’d already topped up my epidural though so they still went ahead with the forceps but it was actually fairly straightforward and 3 pushes and she was out!

I chose this photo becuase the look on my face best sums up everything going through my mind and body in that moment.

3 pushes and she was out. What a matter-of-fact sentence for something so… I really can’t even think of the word because there isn’t just one word that sums up everything that goes through your mind and body at that moment, life-changing, staggering, over-whelming, amazing, beautiful.  Even for somebody who has fallen pregnant easily that moment is like no other, for somebody who has waited years for that moment there is an extra layer of emotion folded in. I had dreamt of that moment for a long time, tortured myself listening to music and imagining what it would be like to be handed my precious little baby. More times than I care to count I had broken down in tears not knowing if that was I would ever get to experience that moment for real. I had known that it might be something that I may have to kiss goodbye to and find the strength to lay to rest, I had imagined doing that, in my more obscure and indulgent moments of self-pity I had imagined taking the baby-gro I had hidden at the back of the wardrobe out and burying it in the garden, a funeral for the child I would never meet. 

In some ways the longing for a child had been answered when I fell pregnant with the IVF. As I felt the baby grow and move inside me it became more of a reality but it was still a theoretical child, then at the 20 week scan it became a theoretical daughter. I collected clothes and furniture, beautiful toys and snuggly blankets but my mind was still half stuck back in those days of not knowing if I would ever be a mother, it couldn’t let me fully believe that I could really get everything I ever wanted.   In that moment, my tiny little miracle placed slippery and  squalling on my chest, I could have paused time and never wanted for anything else.  I truly believe that the key to a happy life is to be content with what you have and I had tried so hard over the 4 years of trying for a baby to make that so in my life, sometimes I could almost imagine that I could manage it, other times it all came caving in. Now in that moment I truly had it, everything, complete and I am determined to thank God every day for the blessing that I have, for my wonderful husband, my safe and happy home and for my beautiful daughter.

Just over 6 weeks have now passed since Jemima arrived, I wish I’d had time to write sooner. It’s not exactly that  I haven’t had time to write, Jemima sleeps a fair bit during the day, it’s more that my mind is so filled with thinking about her, so filled with making sure she’s safe and everything that needs to be done gets done and at the same time ensuring I have plenty of time just to cuddle her, talk to her and just be with her that the days just slide by without me finding a moment to write and I wouldn’t have it any other way. 

Infertility is a very cruel thing to have to deal with, a sentence you don’t know the length of, months, years or life. I won’t forget what I’ve been through to have my daughter, to become a mother, every tear, every injection, every bruise, every blood test, the pain and the fear, I am thankful for. I am thankful that I am one of the people who have had a successful outcome to my fertility problems. My heart goes out to every person struggling with infertility and I hope you find your answer soon. I am so grateful for every person who has supported me through the last 4 years, every person who has listened and prayed, that support has kept me going through some very low times. So if you know somebody who is struggling with infertility you might not always know what to say but just be there for them, listen to them and let them cry if they need to.