Ready, set... hang on a minute

Sometimes it’s easier when tricky decisions, the ones where you really don’t know which way would be best, are taken out of your hands. I was in a dilemma a few weeks ago about whether to push to start our IVF this month, which the Dr thought might just be possible, or wait for my next cycle.  However the nurse he spoke to about fitting me in this month was off sick for a few days meaning this decision was taken out of my hands and I’m now definitely going to start next month, in approximately 28 days’ time.  It’s hard to have the prospect of another 4 weeks waiting in front of me, I know 4 weeks should seem insignificant in relation to how long we’ve waited so far but it’s just so torturous, trying not to get your hopes up, knowing that all this anticipation may be for nothing at all except disappointment and tears.

How do you answer the question “How do you feel when you’ve forgotten what normal feels like.”

I feel sometimes that these as these last 3 years have passed me by I’ve forgotten what feeling normal is.  They certainly haven’t been 3 entirely unhappy years, I’ve managed to hold myself together reasonably well and make the most of my childless life to a reasonable extent but there’s always this cloud hanging over me. There's a darkness lurking somewhere down in the pit of my stomach, usually tucked away, but ready to strike with a moment’s notice when something catches me off guard. 

I was doing one of those silly Facebook quizzes the other day that asks “Which Winnie the Pooh character are you,” but it crashed before I finished so I said to Matt in jest “I’ll never know what character I am now!” and he told me, not in an unkind way, that I was a Eeyore.  I was actually somewhat mortified at the time and out of interest watched a couple of videos on YouTube of Eeyore quote before I realised he’s right!  This video kind of sums it up…

Even when somebody tries to say something positive and encouraging, like perhaps about the possibility of the IVF working all I can think in the Eeyore voice in my head is “it probably won't work anyway.”  The thing is I’m sure I didn’t always used to be Eeyore, I’m sure I used to be much more happy and bubbly and care free, perhaps not a Tigger but at least a Christopher Robin or a Pooh Bear!  It just seems that this infertility problem has clawed away at me, dragged me down and down until I don’t really remember who I used to be.   Even cooking lasagne this evening I was making it and wondering what it would be like to make it for my children and feeling sad about it, this sadness invades everything.

Before you say, “You should be thankful for what you have,” please believe me that I am thankful every day.  I work on an Intensive care unit and  constantly see a stream of people facing tragic circumstances, believe me I know how to be grateful for what I have and I thank God daily for the amazing husband and home that I have but the relative difficulty of others situations doesn’t make my own pain go away.

I know I will feel better some time,  I just keep trying and trying to find a way of making that time now so that I don’t throw my life away in the meantime. 

But there is light

Last week I saw 2 of my cousins who I don’t see very often  both at the same time.  Unfortunately the reason I saw then was the tragic death, at just 52, of a very dear Uncle and we met at his funeral so I feel rather guilty reflecting on how helpful it was for me to see then, of course if I had the choice I wouldn’t have but as it happens I did and seeing them did help me. I’ve come very close to emailing one or other or both of them over the past 3 years  because I knew they’ve both had fertility problems.  There’s no particular reason that I never did but I found it comforting to know that they’d be there if I needed them.  They’ve both struggled with fertility problems and found their way out of them in different ways, one through a complex series of IVF and the other through adoption.  They are through the other side and both have beautiful, thriving little boys who are full of energy and life and for me seeing them and knowing that helped to give me some sense of peace.  Matt and I know that we’ll take our 2 cycles of NHS funded IVF and any frozen cycles that may be possible and if that doesn’t work we’ll adopt. So seeing 2 people who’ve both found different answers helped me to reflect that whatever may come there will be a light at the end of the tunnel even if the tunnel is too bendy or has too many crossroads to see it yet.

Waiting

So for now it's just a few more weeks of waiting, our next appointment is 17th March where we should get our plan and drugs... Sigh, more waiting, I wish I could say I was getting good at it but that would be a lie!