The Plan

Today was our last appointment before I start the treatment (eek). It was about 1 hour long with the nurse and involved the following:

. Receiving an individualised treatment plan.

. Receiving the first vial of Buserelin Injection – the drug used to suppress your cycle - the rest of the drugs will arrive in the post but since I’m starting on Sunday they gave me some to get started. 

. Receiving the other things I’ll need such as needles and a sharps bin to put the used needles in. They also helpfully gave me a nice little purple bag to keep everything in which will come in handy if I’m not going to be home when I need to inject.

. A finger prick test to check I’m not anaemic – unfortunately they has 2 do this twice as the room was a bit chilly and the first finger we tried was very reluctant to give up any blood.

. A blood test for both Matt and I to check for viral infections such as hepatitis – this is routine and is a legal requirement before commencing IVF.  We’re already done this before but unfortunately due to the delay in sending off our referral it had been too long since the test so it had to be repeated. Matt was particularly unimpressed by this as he hates (!!!) needles but fortunately the nurse at the clinic was an absolute pro and neither of us even felt a thing.  

. Explanation of when to give the injections – they recommend sticking to between 6 and 8pm, a time which is a little tricky for me due to work but I’m sure I’ll be able to work around this.

. Teaching on drawing up the drugs and injection technique. You get a chance to practice with the needles and vial and a pretend bit of skin if you like but as a nurse I didn’t feel the need to do this.  I'll post a video talking through the injection once I've started, it might not be a video of the very first one as I'll have to do this at a friends house as I'll be out that evening but hopefully the one next Tuesday.

. Teaching on the pessary that you need to give from the day of egg collection onwards - I wont be posting a video on giving that!

The selection of goodies I acquired today that will be keeping me company for the next 6 weeks.  This is only some of the drugs and needles, the rest will arrive in the post.

A few little stabs today - 2 attempts at the finger prick for anemia and a blood test for virology, it'll all be worth it if it works...

So we now have a complete plan of action for the next approximately 7 weeks until the day I’ll be able to take a pregnancy test.    The plan was more thorough than I was anticipating, I was kind of expecting a lot of the dates to be completely undecided at the moment and that they’d have to let me know as things went along however it was quite comprehensive. It included 18 days of suppression, then a date for a baseline scan, then 13 days of stimulation, 3 scans and blood test dates towards the end of my stimulation injections, an egg collection date and a date that I will be able to take my pregnancy test on.   The only thing that it didn’t give a provisional date for was the embryo transfer because until they start to grow the embryos and see what quality they are they won’t know if they’ll put them in at day 5 or whether they have to put them in earlier at day 2 or 3.

It’s nice to have a really clear plan rather than vague dates so that I can to some extent plan for what’s going to happen. I imagine this is even more important for people who work in jobs that are less flexible than mine.  Luckily I have a really supportive boss and I’m able to swap shifts round at fairly short notice but I know that other people don’t have this luxury and find it a lot more difficult to fit IVF in with their other commitments.

One little surprise that I wasn’t expecting was that I thought you had the period of suppression injections then the period of stimulation injections, what I didn’t realise was that while I’m on the stimulation I also have to continue a small dose of the suppression to ensure everything is carefully controlled, what this means is that I’ll have about 13 days of having to have 2 injections a day rather than just one.  The injections don’t bother me that much but still it’s not going to be too much fun to feel like a human pincushion.

Roll the Dice

I still have a great sense of unreality about this whole thing, I just can’t believe that it’s come to this.  1172 days after Matt and I decided that we were ready to have children, 1172 days of battered hopes, and now in 5 days I will start the process that will either make or break my dreams of having my own children, my dreams of carrying Matt’s children. 2 cycles, up to 4 chances (if frozen cycles are possible following my fresh ones) .If the IVF doesn’t work I have to kiss goodbye to my hopes and dreams of feeling my child grow inside me and seeing Matt’s face as we embrace it for the first time.  I will know that becasue our infertility is unexplained there will always be a chance that I will conceive naturally later on, I know a few people who have become pregnant years after they stopped trying and adopted, but if the IVF doesn’t work I need to conclude that that it won’t happen, I will not spend my whole life wondering and waiting, I will lay it to rest and choose to live.

I’ve been feeling ok for the last couple of weeks, fairly chirpy and positive about everyday life. In some ways it’s great to feel that way, I’ve spent so much time struggling over the past 3 years, it’s so nice to feel like there’s some of my old self in there somewhere. Yet there’s a part of me that’ suspicious of my happy self because I know that the hope provided by IVF is a big part of that and that hope is only a 50/50 chance. 50% chance I’ll get everything I ever wanted, 50% chance everything will implode. When I’m feeling good I feel like I could cope whatever happens, but if I’m honest with myself I’m worried I’m completely unprepared for it not working and my positive outlook at the moment only makes it more likely to catch me off guard. The higher I climb out of my despair, the further I have to fall. I know that’s a dreadful way of looking at life in general and I don't intend to make it a habit but there’s just this little bit of me that’s so scared of how I’ll cope if everything comes crashing down.

So here we go, 50% chance of success, roll the dice, toss the coin, pick a side, take the left road or the right, bet on red or black.